Strongest Point › Learn › Interpersonal Effectiveness

DBT skills

Interpersonal Effectiveness

Three goals in any hard conversation: the outcome you want (DEAR MAN), the relationship (GIVE) and your self-respect (FAST). They are used together, in one conversation, not as alternatives. Before you start, rank the three for this situation. The ranking decides how hard you push and what you will not trade away.

On this page

DEAR MAN

When

When you need to ask for something or say no, and the outcome matters.

How

  1. Describe the situation in facts.
  2. Express how you feel about it, and what you think, briefly.
  3. Assert: ask clearly, or say no clearly. Don't expect them to guess.
  4. Reinforce: say what is in it for them.
  5. stay Mindful: keep to the point, repeat it calmly if needed, and ignore attacks rather than taking the bait.
  6. Appear confident: voice, posture, eye contact.
  7. Negotiate: offer an alternative, or turn it round and ask what they think would work.

For example

"We've had three hard weeks. I'm running on empty. I'd like Saturday morning to myself. You'll get a better version of me by lunch. Could you take the morning?"

On your card

Note it when you prepared an ask before making it, even roughly.

GIVE

When

When the relationship matters, which with a partner or a child is nearly always. Used alongside DEAR MAN, not instead of it.

How

  1. be Gentle: no attacks, threats, or judging.
  2. act Interested: listen, let them finish.
  3. Validate: say what makes sense about their view.
  4. use an Easy manner: a little lightness goes a long way.

For example

Your daughter is furious about being home. "It makes sense you're angry. You didn't get a say." Then listen.

On your card

Note it when you chose to validate before answering.

FAST

When

When you are at risk of giving away too much to keep the peace.

How

  1. be Fair: to them and to yourself.
  2. no Apologies: for having a need, an opinion, or existing.
  3. Stick to your values.
  4. be Truthful: no exaggerating, no helplessness you don't feel.

For example

Saying no to a request you can't afford, without the five-minute apology that usually comes with it.

On your card

Note it when you held a line without over-apologizing.

Validation

When

Whenever someone is upset, with you or at you. Validation is finding what is true in their view and saying so. It is not agreeing, and it is not validating what isn't valid. It takes the pressure off proving who is right, and it is the V in GIVE.

How

  1. Pay attention. Look, listen, no phone.
  2. Reflect back what you heard, in a tone they can correct.
  3. Read what isn't being said: the slump, the pause.
  4. Say how it makes sense, given what they've been through: "it makes sense you're angry, because..."
  5. Act on what is valid. If they're right that it was your turn, take the bins out.
  6. Treat them as an equal. No talking down, no fragile handling.

For example

Your daughter is furious about being home. "It makes sense you're angry. You didn't get a say." Then listen. Then, later, the ask.

On your card

Note it when you validated before answering, especially when you disagreed.

This page is general education, written in plain language, about skills taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It is not treatment or advice, and it is not a substitute for care from a qualified clinician. DBT and its skills are the work of Marsha M. Linehan. Strongest Point is an independent tool and is not affiliated with, endorsed by or licensed by Dr. Linehan, Behavioral Tech, the Linehan Institute or Guilford Press. The wording here is ours; the skills are hers. If you are in crisis, use the Crisis help button in the app or contact your local emergency number.

Updated 2026-10-03. Questions or corrections: hello@strongestpoint.com.